almost

this might all be a bit mangled so bear with me..

'when pain is to be borne, a little courage helps more than much knowledge"
i felt i have sought out knowledge about love, kindness, purity, pain, and most importantly love, but whats saddening is that i have not sought those things out solely. why? mostly bc i believe i am trying to imitate the one who i am supposed to, and often times i mistake Him for another. i have listened to those who have demeaned me, and far worse, i have believed them. i have served ungrateful masters. i shall no longer. too, i shall never imitate. for how will i know that i may not imitate evil, for i am blind. if i were to imitate what is good i will always fall short.

i have become mute. my lips only move and bring forth spittle. i never thought i would let mediocrity wash over me. i now weep for my self-esteem that has been corrupted by failure. i week for my potential that i have been bartering for security. i have come to ask myself - 'where is the grace of my manner, the beauty of my figure, the clarity of my mind, the brilliance of my tounge?

by grace, it has been told to me to "weep no more. all that has gone before is like unto no more than that time .