what happened to the peacful autumn?

heres a thought that ive often disregarded for the sole reason of having no simple solution...

i went on a long walk tonight to explore more of the city. unsure why, but its getting colder everyday and even more windy and cold at night. there are little flower stands at like every other corner and i decided that i wanted a flower to watch in my room. as i walked to the stand, i passed by a homeless woman. i thought, 'hey you should give her a flower.' i think i thought that initially bc i dont really have anything efficient that i can physically give her, much less emotionally, and i dont speak spanish well enough to hold down that sort of conversation, . then i thought, 'why the fuck would she want a flower? how would that brighten her night? why not give her some hot tea or food, or something useful?' and then i got real mad at myself bc its like even i would to have given her something she couldve possible used, whats being done? like most, i thought that itd be renewing my own consciense, but then i realized, no, not at all. id give her one thing and then itd be like an addiction and knowing me, id be giving things, even if they were words, thinking that i could help just enough to get her off the streets. its such bullshit. it makes me angry that im at such war with myself that i dont even know how to give selflessly and effectively. its easier to give something when its not needed, theres no obligation beyond that. and then today i went walking the same way but much further and there again was the same woman. and then another, and another, and another, and then there was a man and small child and this time i became enraged. if older people are homeless then thats just the way it is, but thats absolute barbarity to take a child into your hands and continue to beg for money. for gods sake, put the child in adoption or something. things like that make me want to slam their heads against a wall and scream, 'stop acting like an idiot and get better, damnit!' but its until i look closer that i notice the bruises covering their bodies and realize that someone had already tried that approach.

i wish i knew how to respond to such situations. theyre everywhere, not just on the streets and naturally im incapable of passing people and my surroundings without some sort of recognition. i dont know what to do and it makes me angry.

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