its contagious

i am raging with apathy and laziness. i am deeply rooted in greed - not greed for money or possession, rather for the affection of others. contingently i await to be loved, but only in the way i see it feasible. i want to see the results before i put in the effort. who am i? everything i do is for myself. for so long now, i have desired to live for others but unsure of how to go about doing such a thing in every aspect of my life. for instance, my college education will most likely plant me a job in helping people, yet i have been wanting out since day 1. pretty lame i must say.

there is excitement and refreshment in coming to know others, yet for me, there is an obsession. i am too easily influenced. i am too largely dependent. i hallucinate the person i am and disregard the epitome of who i trully am.

(this next part is two days later)
oh but today, oh the beauty and wonder in knowing i had anything to do with my own life. ive been really down on myself bc i fail all too often in academics. ive always thought college to be very inwardly focused and just another something that will bring comfort and allow fear to subside - basically becoming self-sufficent. yet what ive realized as of late is that although college might/might not be a a very worldly standard, it doesnt have to be. nothing i invest my time in should be about me. i desire to go in the peace corps, i desire to love those who are unfamiliar with the concept of love, i desire to help people in some way, shape, or form - and if a degree, if a peice of paper is really my ticket to do such things, to open doors that i alone cannot open, then i accept it. i am beginning to see what it is i need to do and need not to do. it is unfortunate that i am such a slow learner, but regardless, i am not stagnant. whats incredible is that my parents have enough faith in me and in my character to not only financially support me "recieveing" an education, but verbally with love and enthusiasm that i may actually do something with my life, i may actually have a positive impact on this world. humbling to say the least.

i have never felt more freed than i do now. the timing of everything is impeccable. thank you.

ahh tonight and the power of storms. i called sam. made him go outside. it hadnt yet rained. lightning was everywhere. the sky was blue and red and grey and black and darkness only increasing. it came up quickly. i remained standing there as sheets of water came down. now it was right over me. lighting struck and the sky roared and i stood there laughing in amazement. laughing as others ran. it struck over me and the sound made me jump. you could feel the heat and smell the burning. ive never been quite so close. frightfully amazing.

did you know that on google in parenthesis theres the amount of time it took to find whatever it is you were searching? thats fucking nuts. (.21 seconds) was my latest search. thats just so odd to me. we are quite consumed with the falacy that we have conquered time.

mountains beyond mountains

'bondye konn bay, men li pa konn separe' ... God gives, but doesnt share.

this saying is in creole. its the haitians belief as to why they are in the state theyre in: poverty, complete and utter poverty. i cannot imagine such a life. one might not think so, but theres still beauty in it: they believe in a god, and apparently in this case, they believe in God himself. i think that says something about the real needs of humans. those of us who are self-sufficient in everything we do seem to easily disregard any diety, let alone the One we claim to live our lives for. im not saying theres complete absence of faith in the lives of self-serving wealthy individuals, but beyond wealth, there seems to be a striking contrast between the two : the true poor dont play God.

i realize what is written is limited in the people it pertains to and in fact is a rather bold generalization, but thats how i am feeling at the moment.

forfeit

indolent...habitually idle; causing little or no pain; slow to heal, develop, grow.

nolens-volens....to be willing and unwilling.

probity....complete and confirmed integrity.


i have these three posted in front of me above my desk, one is painted, two are on sticky notes with 'probity' in lowercase and 'indolent' in bolded, uppercase letters. they were all made at different times. its strange what things stick out in certain stages of a lifetime. like music, how differently you can relate to different types of music as time passes. like books, what different ideas or theories that appeal. like people, the various types of roles they serve.

perception...."oh dear, oh good, my life has changed. i think theres a point where you realize the wold has just been revealed to you. its like realizing your parents are both good and bad. its sort of, Oh no, things will never be quite the same again."

it is not in our nature to love.

elephant gun

strange. i write often, but its to an inanimate being, its to a close friend who i can trust, its to those who i can easily hurt, its to serve the illuded concept of thinking i am some grand being whose mind is capable of grasping something outside of the world we live in, its to relieve myself of insanity, yet that never avails.

id like to be honest.

into the wild...chris mccandless...stillness...control of the mind...far away from temptations of the world....but not far away enough from temptations of your own flesh....fear...complete freedom....surrender....he mustve surrendered to something....himself....society....death....reality....fantasy...failure...the being that he didnt mind calling 'God'....he was a slave to something....right?
by living for yourself, are you not your own servant?
i know its all been embellished to a larger degree than it should (and to most it appears to be irresponsible), but it seems to be a repeated instict of man: to pick yourself up, take nothing, go nowhere or somewhere, and live. simply.
he, too, is ashamed to recieve a gift, even if it is well-deserved....he too, had the most difficulities not giving love but rather, recieveing it.
humbleness....theres a lack of.
the thought process...its backwards....still on the same track as the rest of mankind....just working to get away from the solution, whatever it may be.....money...love...ya know, the two that are easily interchangeable.
striving for simplicity seems to be more difficult than one might like.

i am dumbfounded. still.

i used a lot of periods..
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