To the general public:
as for my blog and the photos, please dont assume that all my writings or photos are attempts to get a point across. if that were the case, if i always had some valuable lesson then im pretty sure my life would be completely different and id be a genius. most, if not all of my writings consist of thousands of questions that my over-analyzing mind contemplates.
The beginning of some writings in Buenos Aires…
and so somewhat in regards to that, while ive been down here, surrounded by all types of individuals, i realize that i dont owe anybody anything. i dont have to act a certain way nor do i have to believe certain concepts on how to live. this is not rebellion speaking, rather its the feeling of being freed form this performance drive ive had ingrained in my mind for so long. to some extent, it goes to explain my difficulty in communicating. my vagueness mostly derives from my mentality of not wanting to disappoint anybody, much less be rejected and looked down upon bc of a disagreement.
Different day…
my sundays here have had a way of being strange. on each one of them, which is a total of four, ive woken up late and had the hardest time getting motivated, although my mind is still running on the normal week mentality of going at a steady pace, and today im not sick as i was on the last.
i just finished david sedaris' book 'naked.' really enjoyed it. in fact, benjamin said that david sedaris was born just so that i could read his books. i like that idea. i think it might be the only good idea he's ever had. so i enjoyed it all but the last chapter. i was pretty disappointed. it was titled naked, suggesting that it was the basis or the main underlying meaning for the biography, and although i recognized the attempts for it to be personal and profound, it just didn’t hit it. every chapter before that most surely did, but i don’t know, maybe i just had too high or different expectations. speaking of expectations...im afraid ive gotten a bit ahead of myself. again. part of a result of this past year and part of a newfound view on thinking i know what it is i want out of life, ive caught myself very alone here. im a 'tidiot' (leighton) and have convinced myself that since for many many centuries cell phones were not a necessity that even in today’s times, i don’t need one, especially here. ive refused to buy one and now i think its just pride that is driving that decision. im mean seriously lauren, you’re in one of the biggest cities in the world and in south America, and what, you didn’t think you’d meet people you might want to make plans with? good grief. ive told myself that i don’t want the control that a cell phone brings - the 'control' of making plans and being made accountable thru received phone calls only to do things unwanted. and now that this theory has been tested, id say its that i don’t want the responsibility. i don’t want the responsibility to try to plan things, much less the responsibility of disappointment when i don’t carry thru. its a lot easier to say, 'oh well, i don’t have a phone so i didn’t hear about it. that’s why i didn’t go.' im calling bull shit on myself. so maybe i should look into it, or maybe i shouldn’t.
what might’ve struck that particular way of thinking?...my fear of people. my fear of how they can affect me and how i can affect them. its continuously hitting me.
i listened to MGMT all day. mind you, the same song over and over again. leighton always gives me hell for that, but hey, whats new.
i have a special friend who ive known for a little while now and they make me real happy, frustrated, but happy. conversation, while it may not always be what i want, im progressively becoming more and more comfortable.
violin lessons began today. my instructors name is ramirio. i dont know that i can call him instructor though, i think before long we're gonna be friends. he's so chill and helpful. we practice in his house, which gives off very earthy vibes and theres instruments all over. he's got a three year old beautiful daughter and a seemingly incredible psychologist as his lady. i lucked out. if the only point in me coming to buenos aires was to learn the violin in a relaxed and feasible manner, then i really lucked out. (although ive already seen and surely will continue to see/feel the reasons for my being here).
To jamin wade...
this might sound very crude/harsh/unattractive/far-fetched/wrong/selfish/blah blah blah/name whatever you want, but here it is.. i feel as if i can tell you this because you might just be the person who knows me best in the department of romanitcs...i got asked out by this guy who´s name is irrelevant, who himself might be irrelevant. ive spent a good amount of time with him and two other guys whom all seem to be more or less well-rounded individuals. i was actually beginning to think i had friends here until two of them, one especially, decided to announce their feelings for me. god damn. this process is going to be about just one of the two and my reaction, or lack there of, to him. to set up a little background, im going to give you plain examples of what type of conversation has taken place....he called last night and asked if i wanted to get ta beer. i said no to the beer but yes to walking around. it was actually exactly what i was wanting. he first told me his feeling while we were in a bar. he was drinking i was not. he asked me what i thought about dating, i said that i hadn’t. usually i would roll with it, tease a bit and take all the flatter i can get. this time, i wasn’t even amused. he gave reasons as to why he felt the way he did and what it was he wanted which seemed flawed to me. but whatever it may be, it clicked in my mind that i want somebody. i want somebody to care about and somebody to really care about me. im eager to give.
as for my blog and the photos, please dont assume that all my writings or photos are attempts to get a point across. if that were the case, if i always had some valuable lesson then im pretty sure my life would be completely different and id be a genius. most, if not all of my writings consist of thousands of questions that my over-analyzing mind contemplates.
The beginning of some writings in Buenos Aires…
and so somewhat in regards to that, while ive been down here, surrounded by all types of individuals, i realize that i dont owe anybody anything. i dont have to act a certain way nor do i have to believe certain concepts on how to live. this is not rebellion speaking, rather its the feeling of being freed form this performance drive ive had ingrained in my mind for so long. to some extent, it goes to explain my difficulty in communicating. my vagueness mostly derives from my mentality of not wanting to disappoint anybody, much less be rejected and looked down upon bc of a disagreement.
Different day…
my sundays here have had a way of being strange. on each one of them, which is a total of four, ive woken up late and had the hardest time getting motivated, although my mind is still running on the normal week mentality of going at a steady pace, and today im not sick as i was on the last.
i just finished david sedaris' book 'naked.' really enjoyed it. in fact, benjamin said that david sedaris was born just so that i could read his books. i like that idea. i think it might be the only good idea he's ever had. so i enjoyed it all but the last chapter. i was pretty disappointed. it was titled naked, suggesting that it was the basis or the main underlying meaning for the biography, and although i recognized the attempts for it to be personal and profound, it just didn’t hit it. every chapter before that most surely did, but i don’t know, maybe i just had too high or different expectations. speaking of expectations...im afraid ive gotten a bit ahead of myself. again. part of a result of this past year and part of a newfound view on thinking i know what it is i want out of life, ive caught myself very alone here. im a 'tidiot' (leighton) and have convinced myself that since for many many centuries cell phones were not a necessity that even in today’s times, i don’t need one, especially here. ive refused to buy one and now i think its just pride that is driving that decision. im mean seriously lauren, you’re in one of the biggest cities in the world and in south America, and what, you didn’t think you’d meet people you might want to make plans with? good grief. ive told myself that i don’t want the control that a cell phone brings - the 'control' of making plans and being made accountable thru received phone calls only to do things unwanted. and now that this theory has been tested, id say its that i don’t want the responsibility. i don’t want the responsibility to try to plan things, much less the responsibility of disappointment when i don’t carry thru. its a lot easier to say, 'oh well, i don’t have a phone so i didn’t hear about it. that’s why i didn’t go.' im calling bull shit on myself. so maybe i should look into it, or maybe i shouldn’t.
what might’ve struck that particular way of thinking?...my fear of people. my fear of how they can affect me and how i can affect them. its continuously hitting me.
i listened to MGMT all day. mind you, the same song over and over again. leighton always gives me hell for that, but hey, whats new.
i have a special friend who ive known for a little while now and they make me real happy, frustrated, but happy. conversation, while it may not always be what i want, im progressively becoming more and more comfortable.
violin lessons began today. my instructors name is ramirio. i dont know that i can call him instructor though, i think before long we're gonna be friends. he's so chill and helpful. we practice in his house, which gives off very earthy vibes and theres instruments all over. he's got a three year old beautiful daughter and a seemingly incredible psychologist as his lady. i lucked out. if the only point in me coming to buenos aires was to learn the violin in a relaxed and feasible manner, then i really lucked out. (although ive already seen and surely will continue to see/feel the reasons for my being here).
To jamin wade...
this might sound very crude/harsh/unattractive/far-fetched/wrong/selfish/blah blah blah/name whatever you want, but here it is.. i feel as if i can tell you this because you might just be the person who knows me best in the department of romanitcs...i got asked out by this guy who´s name is irrelevant, who himself might be irrelevant. ive spent a good amount of time with him and two other guys whom all seem to be more or less well-rounded individuals. i was actually beginning to think i had friends here until two of them, one especially, decided to announce their feelings for me. god damn. this process is going to be about just one of the two and my reaction, or lack there of, to him. to set up a little background, im going to give you plain examples of what type of conversation has taken place....he called last night and asked if i wanted to get ta beer. i said no to the beer but yes to walking around. it was actually exactly what i was wanting. he first told me his feeling while we were in a bar. he was drinking i was not. he asked me what i thought about dating, i said that i hadn’t. usually i would roll with it, tease a bit and take all the flatter i can get. this time, i wasn’t even amused. he gave reasons as to why he felt the way he did and what it was he wanted which seemed flawed to me. but whatever it may be, it clicked in my mind that i want somebody. i want somebody to care about and somebody to really care about me. im eager to give.
this is just the beginning, things get progressively better, just wait. but the dryness in which i write stays the same. sorry.
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