recent thoughts/realizations/epiphanies

so this concept of death has been a recurring issue as of late, and i mean in the sense of wilting away, both in mind and in body...and in the sense of going even more unnoticed. lately i've seen particular movies that have had death be a main issue and each time i find myself drowning in a pool of tears. takes a lot for me to tear up. i've always had this mental picture of what my death will look like, and of course, it's self-serving. i've always imagined a real immeadiate. like it were to happen by accident, let's say a car accident or a hand-gliding accident. you get it. then i've had the selfish ones of self-commited. but either which way i see myself being my own presence at my funeral, seeing those grieve over my unexpected death. this unfortunately gives me some sort of twisted and disturbing pleasure in comparision to the image of my mind and body wilting away and the few remaining that still care for me saying, "well, it was her time." WHAT!?!?!?!? MY TIME!!!! absolutely not!
out of this absurdity, i've realized these things:
1. i will forever remain ageless.
2.still self-centered, but hopefully won't be consumed by it for much longer.
3. scared shitless of death and aging. (i'm actually very unaware of what "scared shitless" really means, i mean the physical state of it, but we all have imaginations, right?)
4. it's time for me to look into the spiritual world(s). these relationships made here on earth may be a glimpse of what's next, but they may too just remain solitary.

to sort of go off of the previous thought, i am trying to rid myself of this pessimistic and draining mindset of thinking that i have to put myself through pain-wrenching and saddening circumstances. for instance, take rusk state hospital. some of you have heard me talk about it, but for those who havent, it's a psych hospital and it's a hellhole. it's not like there's war going on there, or that there's mouths not being fed or an injustice similar to that, but complacency shows its face everywhere. the concept of "wasting time" is fully applied here. it scares me. i sought this place out because i was initially curious about sanity and where i was on that scale. i might have gotten some sense of it i may not have, but more importantly, i have walked away frustrated and sad and disgusted. it's not because of any one individual i met there, it's not even the concept of having to keep people away for humanity's sake, instead it's more like my mind is blown that it's gotten to that point that we actually do have to conceal people for humanity's sake. i don't get why or how demented we've become or can become. when? where? how come i am so unaware? anywho, what i got out of it wasnt really the point of this writing, that was a rant. the purpose was in asking myself, "why lauren, do you find it necessary to place yourself amidst misery?" too, take for instance any kind of romantic relationship, especially my current one. i feel it unfair to experience love and being cherished. to whom do i feel it unfair? why should i distance myself from such goodness? these are just examples, but they are examples of patterns of behavior: placing myself in emotional/mental difficult and life-draining situations, and then depriving myself of what any person deserves, love.
i do not get it.

my mother said to me once, "lauren, you don't have to experience everything." that saying is like my leg hair that just keeps growing back, and at a fast rate, and yet i am reminded that it serves a vital purpose during certain seasons.

lastly, my boyfriend. yes, you read that correctly. it is a sentence within itself. i have a boyfriend, and a good one at that. who would've figured?
okay, so this daniel of mine told me yesterday that instead of asking whether a statment coming from me will offend the person i am offering it to, i should ask myself whether it really needs to be said. ask myself if there's any point in saying it. that's the most astonishing and affective concept anyone has relayed to me in many a years. usually i think to myself and say to the recipient, "hey don't be offended, but yadayadayada." makes complete sense to me, but that's because i have a rather hard shell. not all others do. but even that fact hasn't had its affect on me. sad, i know, but true. so while i have been known to be a rather opinionated individual, and while that will probably not fade away any time soon, you should all thank my boyfriend for confronting me with such beneficial advice affecting you all. enjoy peoples!


i have no recent pictures to post. apologies.