it's been years

good lord! it's been forever since i've taken time to write. i haven't journaled or anything of the sort. i've tried over and over again only to leave the entries incomplete. it's always so odd to me that i can't seem to produce words or thoughts on paper when i'm happiest but man, when i'm feeling down i can write a novel. so, let us see if i can finish this one...

people have been getting married left and right. leighton and his beautiful wife mandy. everett and his elegant wife abby. soon evan and sweet miss rachel, and oh yes, i musn't forget zachary and lovely lovely chippers. ahhh i never thought much of weddings until i went to these three. each had personality. each was a celebration. each was filled with joy. how could i have looked over such a blessing? silliness really. and for a sidenote: i must give credit to zachary and chippers because their marriage/wedding really gave me a fresh perspective on the whole matter. every time i had spoken to chip she had been crying because her parents and others were trying to take away her day and make it their own. there are a few other similar stories, but this in particular made me want nothing of the sort. i saw weddings as frivolous. it's the binding of man and woman. not man and woman and their highly opinionated and troubled family memebers, no. family has it's role, but if it's coming down to stripping joy and excitment from something you'd like to share as a couple, i say hell, leave them out. but still, for some reason or another, they went through with it. they made a declaration of their love in front of all. whether or not they saw it, i saw God using the whole experience to glorify Him. i saw it in her parents. it may not have changed them that day or the next, but for them to see two kids passionately in love with each other and with Christ..well, it's hard not to be moved.

this means though that i've been a travelin' fool. really. portland. colorado. austin. mexico. germany. okay, those last two are lies but hey, why not? imagination can take you anywhere. it has been the most enjoyable of all semesters. i have a job. a fun job. it took a while for it to become fun. but i get to play outside and get paid. as a student. God is good. trust is good. getting this job taught me a little about trust...okay, more than a little.

i have good friends. unfortunately, i don't get to see many of them as often as i'd like. may i introduce you to a few? or a handful? or a bus load? okay great!
daniel - boyfriend. call if you'd like to learn more or text 6030 NOW! haha
just kidding. but really, i could talk for a while on that.
caroline, sweet caroline. acts. in plays. charasmatic. entertaining. very solid.
kayla. short and sweet little thing. honest. caring. nurse.
barrett. coolest teacher ever. sarcastic. intelligent. roller coaster.
travis. ha. (this indicates he makes me chuckle)
christine. small. cute. always ready for fun.
peasley. oh peasly. tall. unpredictable. curious. eager to grow.
collin. german.
roman. thinker. one day, a philosopher.
i've already dedicated a post to samantha and benjamin hughes, katy reed, jammin
wade, and stewart.

it's christmas time. time for cold. scarf making. ball painting. tree cutting. bread goodness.

i like summers. i always want to have summers off to play. always.

i have a good family.

recent thoughts/realizations/epiphanies

so this concept of death has been a recurring issue as of late, and i mean in the sense of wilting away, both in mind and in body...and in the sense of going even more unnoticed. lately i've seen particular movies that have had death be a main issue and each time i find myself drowning in a pool of tears. takes a lot for me to tear up. i've always had this mental picture of what my death will look like, and of course, it's self-serving. i've always imagined a real immeadiate. like it were to happen by accident, let's say a car accident or a hand-gliding accident. you get it. then i've had the selfish ones of self-commited. but either which way i see myself being my own presence at my funeral, seeing those grieve over my unexpected death. this unfortunately gives me some sort of twisted and disturbing pleasure in comparision to the image of my mind and body wilting away and the few remaining that still care for me saying, "well, it was her time." WHAT!?!?!?!? MY TIME!!!! absolutely not!
out of this absurdity, i've realized these things:
1. i will forever remain ageless.
2.still self-centered, but hopefully won't be consumed by it for much longer.
3. scared shitless of death and aging. (i'm actually very unaware of what "scared shitless" really means, i mean the physical state of it, but we all have imaginations, right?)
4. it's time for me to look into the spiritual world(s). these relationships made here on earth may be a glimpse of what's next, but they may too just remain solitary.

to sort of go off of the previous thought, i am trying to rid myself of this pessimistic and draining mindset of thinking that i have to put myself through pain-wrenching and saddening circumstances. for instance, take rusk state hospital. some of you have heard me talk about it, but for those who havent, it's a psych hospital and it's a hellhole. it's not like there's war going on there, or that there's mouths not being fed or an injustice similar to that, but complacency shows its face everywhere. the concept of "wasting time" is fully applied here. it scares me. i sought this place out because i was initially curious about sanity and where i was on that scale. i might have gotten some sense of it i may not have, but more importantly, i have walked away frustrated and sad and disgusted. it's not because of any one individual i met there, it's not even the concept of having to keep people away for humanity's sake, instead it's more like my mind is blown that it's gotten to that point that we actually do have to conceal people for humanity's sake. i don't get why or how demented we've become or can become. when? where? how come i am so unaware? anywho, what i got out of it wasnt really the point of this writing, that was a rant. the purpose was in asking myself, "why lauren, do you find it necessary to place yourself amidst misery?" too, take for instance any kind of romantic relationship, especially my current one. i feel it unfair to experience love and being cherished. to whom do i feel it unfair? why should i distance myself from such goodness? these are just examples, but they are examples of patterns of behavior: placing myself in emotional/mental difficult and life-draining situations, and then depriving myself of what any person deserves, love.
i do not get it.

my mother said to me once, "lauren, you don't have to experience everything." that saying is like my leg hair that just keeps growing back, and at a fast rate, and yet i am reminded that it serves a vital purpose during certain seasons.

lastly, my boyfriend. yes, you read that correctly. it is a sentence within itself. i have a boyfriend, and a good one at that. who would've figured?
okay, so this daniel of mine told me yesterday that instead of asking whether a statment coming from me will offend the person i am offering it to, i should ask myself whether it really needs to be said. ask myself if there's any point in saying it. that's the most astonishing and affective concept anyone has relayed to me in many a years. usually i think to myself and say to the recipient, "hey don't be offended, but yadayadayada." makes complete sense to me, but that's because i have a rather hard shell. not all others do. but even that fact hasn't had its affect on me. sad, i know, but true. so while i have been known to be a rather opinionated individual, and while that will probably not fade away any time soon, you should all thank my boyfriend for confronting me with such beneficial advice affecting you all. enjoy peoples!


i have no recent pictures to post. apologies.

by the request of katy reed

forgive me for the austerity of this post, but im going back and using my blog as my journal, although somewhat edited it still remians honest.


here's where im at miss reed...being back is good. its nice to finally geographically settle down for a while. im living alone, well, actually im living with my pup whom you ought to reaquaint yourself with for she is quite spectacular these days.

now i think you know the reverse side of me being back...the lack of people, friends. you had mentioned that i was looking for like-minded people and while that might not be untrue, i think im really just looking for people who fit me and i them. some who are willing to love without question. ive experienced that only a few times in my life, and well regardless of the number, those people have changed my life completely. so, here i am back in nac, spending way too much time alone, but at the same time, im not worried. thats not to say that i dont have days where i fret like a madman but its rather to say that im not so frightened of being alone. people will come, i will go out. hopefully sooner rather than later.


pandora.com

this a recommendation to all. how great is this. and oh how late i am to find goodness.


i think i want to be a river rafting guide after college. and during winter a ski patrolman or something thats on the mountain but not an instructor. maybe, maybe an instructor but only if my people skills improve dramitcally by that time then ill reconsider.


speaking of people skills....man, i have i acquired the habit of exhausting those who invest in me. oh how demanding i become of them. and for what? nonsense really. im sorry to those who ive done that to. and im sorry to myself, for it bears great consequences.


katy reed, the greatest tangible gift you ever gave me are 'the weepies.' thank you.

i have thoughts but am depleted by any extraneous use of my mind outside of school. when i do i get confused, then frustrated, then sad and this go round id like to avoid all three.

i love you too katy.


this is the road i live on. i like it a lot. just figured id introduce you to where i live in case youre not able to visit.

creativity or insanity?

if youre wanting to read something with fluidity that makes sense, avoid this section. while i was down there i went on a little introverted creative spree (both with the help of a friend and without). i wrote, drew, listened to music, played violin, watched people, and thru it all let my mind go. i didnt let the standard of normalacy stop me. it was a good time.



this is the most beautiful part of Argentina that i've seen so far and its right in front of my apartment. (by the way, i live on the 13th floor with a seventy year old bipolar woman). im in the square at plaza italia with the heroic caballero. the flowers are lavender and the dirt and rocks are a worn out iron red and with dusk settining, theyre a hand-in-hand fit. the weather is unbelieveably soothing tonight. im wearing my sexy grandma's sweater, loose pants, my curly mane pulled back, and of course my chacos.. and i dont give a shit that i look like this, oh wait, maybe i do, but its comfortable. im sharing a forest green painted wooden bench with an elderly gentleman, and i just watched two business men make their exit. im glad friendships exist - that people communicate. theres this guy in white shirt to the diagonal left of me and he looks anxioulsy aware, but hasnt moved a muscle except to find me staring at him. creeper?
maria, man....my attitude...i wish she wasnt such a pain in my ass.
look up. hand stop. look up. these are just words. live. just freaking do it.


this is my roomate courtney and my host mom, maria torres.
my roomate was pretty rockin. we had completely different schedules and she had a boyfriend so we never hung out much. but she finished school before i did and all of her friends left and so we started hanging out towards the middle/end.


reminder: things you CANNOT do while in public...
cup boob for comfort.
slouch with legs spread.
talk.
(benjamin, if you read that, i can only imagine youre laughing hysterically. i hope so).

some early writings from my travels..

To the general public:
as for my blog and the photos, please dont assume that all my writings or photos are attempts to get a point across. if that were the case, if i always had some valuable lesson then im pretty sure my life would be completely different and id be a genius. most, if not all of my writings consist of thousands of questions that my over-analyzing mind contemplates.

The beginning of some writings in Buenos Aires…
and so somewhat in regards to that, while ive been down here, surrounded by all types of individuals, i realize that i dont owe anybody anything. i dont have to act a certain way nor do i have to believe certain concepts on how to live. this is not rebellion speaking, rather its the feeling of being freed form this performance drive ive had ingrained in my mind for so long. to some extent, it goes to explain my difficulty in communicating. my vagueness mostly derives from my mentality of not wanting to disappoint anybody, much less be rejected and looked down upon bc of a disagreement.

Different day…
my sundays here have had a way of being strange. on each one of them, which is a total of four, ive woken up late and had the hardest time getting motivated, although my mind is still running on the normal week mentality of going at a steady pace, and today im not sick as i was on the last.
i just finished david sedaris' book 'naked.' really enjoyed it. in fact, benjamin said that david sedaris was born just so that i could read his books. i like that idea. i think it might be the only good idea he's ever had. so i enjoyed it all but the last chapter. i was pretty disappointed. it was titled naked, suggesting that it was the basis or the main underlying meaning for the biography, and although i recognized the attempts for it to be personal and profound, it just didn’t hit it. every chapter before that most surely did, but i don’t know, maybe i just had too high or different expectations. speaking of expectations...im afraid ive gotten a bit ahead of myself. again. part of a result of this past year and part of a newfound view on thinking i know what it is i want out of life, ive caught myself very alone here. im a 'tidiot' (leighton) and have convinced myself that since for many many centuries cell phones were not a necessity that even in today’s times, i don’t need one, especially here. ive refused to buy one and now i think its just pride that is driving that decision. im mean seriously lauren, you’re in one of the biggest cities in the world and in south America, and what, you didn’t think you’d meet people you might want to make plans with? good grief. ive told myself that i don’t want the control that a cell phone brings - the 'control' of making plans and being made accountable thru received phone calls only to do things unwanted. and now that this theory has been tested, id say its that i don’t want the responsibility. i don’t want the responsibility to try to plan things, much less the responsibility of disappointment when i don’t carry thru. its a lot easier to say, 'oh well, i don’t have a phone so i didn’t hear about it. that’s why i didn’t go.' im calling bull shit on myself. so maybe i should look into it, or maybe i shouldn’t.
what might’ve struck that particular way of thinking?...my fear of people. my fear of how they can affect me and how i can affect them. its continuously hitting me.

i listened to MGMT all day. mind you, the same song over and over again. leighton always gives me hell for that, but hey, whats new.

i have a special friend who ive known for a little while now and they make me real happy, frustrated, but happy. conversation, while it may not always be what i want, im progressively becoming more and more comfortable.

violin lessons began today. my instructors name is ramirio. i dont know that i can call him instructor though, i think before long we're gonna be friends. he's so chill and helpful. we practice in his house, which gives off very earthy vibes and theres instruments all over. he's got a three year old beautiful daughter and a seemingly incredible psychologist as his lady. i lucked out. if the only point in me coming to buenos aires was to learn the violin in a relaxed and feasible manner, then i really lucked out. (although ive already seen and surely will continue to see/feel the reasons for my being here).


To jamin wade...
this might sound very crude/harsh/unattractive/far-fetched/wrong/selfish/blah blah blah/name whatever you want, but here it is.. i feel as if i can tell you this because you might just be the person who knows me best in the department of romanitcs...i got asked out by this guy who´s name is irrelevant, who himself might be irrelevant. ive spent a good amount of time with him and two other guys whom all seem to be more or less well-rounded individuals. i was actually beginning to think i had friends here until two of them, one especially, decided to announce their feelings for me. god damn. this process is going to be about just one of the two and my reaction, or lack there of, to him. to set up a little background, im going to give you plain examples of what type of conversation has taken place....he called last night and asked if i wanted to get ta beer. i said no to the beer but yes to walking around. it was actually exactly what i was wanting. he first told me his feeling while we were in a bar. he was drinking i was not. he asked me what i thought about dating, i said that i hadn’t. usually i would roll with it, tease a bit and take all the flatter i can get. this time, i wasn’t even amused. he gave reasons as to why he felt the way he did and what it was he wanted which seemed flawed to me. but whatever it may be, it clicked in my mind that i want somebody. i want somebody to care about and somebody to really care about me. im eager to give.

this is just the beginning, things get progressively better, just wait. but the dryness in which i write stays the same. sorry.